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15 Massively Uncomfortable Questions Kids Have Asked In Public
There I was, in the quiet meditation portion of church, sitting thoughtfully like you're supposed to do, when all of a sudden my 4-year-old daughter whispered she had to ask me something. I shook my head but she was insistent. Finally she blurted out, "Mom, where does the baby come out again? Like, which hole?" As people around us started to stare, I motioned to her to be quiet. "Why aren't you answering me, mom? I really need to know where babies come from now!" Then it got worse: "I think I have a baby in my stomach! And it needs to come out!" Everyone around us was cracking up. I leaned over and asked her if she wanted to go to the bathroom, more as a way to get her outside than anything. Her face brightened and she answered, "Oh, yes, let's go to the bathroom! You're right! It's not a baby — it's just a big poop in there!"
Sometimes I think my kids were born for the sole purpose of humiliating me in public. There is no question too personal, private, inappropriate, or insensitive that they don't want to discuss in front of 50 strangers. I know they're just children and they're curious, honest, and just don't understand the nuances of being polite. But, still, sometimes I have to wonder why kids have such curious minds and such loud voices. Forget stage actors or singers, no one can project as well as a preschooler with a question about penises — as these parents understand all too well.
1. "Can I get my own vibrator?"
"To keep my kids quiet while I shopped, I'd often let them pick a cheap toy to hold. One day my kindergartner chose one of those handheld back massagers. I didn't even think about it until he suddenly called, 'Hey mommy! Can I get my own vibrator, too?' I got some very weird looks." —Heather H., 37, St. Petersburg, FL
2. "Are we here so the doctor can make your diarrhea go away?"
"I took my 4-year-old daughter to the doctor's for her check up. Just as we sat down in the packed waiting room, she loudly blurted, "Are we here so the doctor can make your diarrhea go away?' I changed doctors that next day." —Tyler D., 32, Westminster, CO
3. "Your mom is nicer than my mom."
"I took my kids on an outing to a local museum. We were waiting in line to go into an exhibit when my 3-year-old daughter noticed the goth teen in front of us, fully decked out in a studded jacket, giant boots, chains, torn pants, black makeup, the works. 'Why does he get to wear his pirate costume out of the house?' she demanded to me. 'I guess his mom said it was OK,' I answered weakly. Then she marched up to him and said, 'Your mom is nicer than my mom, she won't let me wear my pirate costume here.' All I could do was laugh." —Marie H., 31, Seattle, WA
4. "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"We were checking out at the grocery store when my 5-year-old took a long hard look at the cashier and asked, 'Excuse me, are you a boy or a girl?' I honestly could not tell either so I just said, 'Shh, that's not polite.' He looked at me, very confused, and then said, 'But I was very polite! I even said excuse me!' Sigh." —Sarah R., 34, Lunenburg, MA
5. "Is that one of those huge people from that show you always watch?"
"We were at Wal-Mart and, as we passed a large woman on a motorized cart, my 4-year-old yelled, 'Hey, mom, is that one of those huge people from that show you always watch?' I never miss an episode ofMy 600 lb. Life...but maybe I should start waiting until after bedtime to watch!" —Heather K., 37, Phoenix, AZ
6. "Why that big lady got a mustache?"
"My son was just about 3 and sitting in the grocery cart in the checkout line. A large woman with hormone issues came up behind us. My son says, 'Mom, why's that lady got hair on her lips?' I tried to quiet him but he got even louder and more forcefully said, 'Mom! I said, why that big lady got a mustache?' I felt so bad. I replied with the only thing I could think of, 'Because she didn't shave'." —Renee W., 35, Nashville, TN
7. "Why do they have a statue of a baby in a diaper on the counter?"
"I was sitting in my favorite nail shop getting a pedicure while my 3-year-old son sat nearby. The shop is owned by a lovely Asian family and they have a statue of Buddha on the counter up front. I'd never thought to explain it to him until he loudly asked, 'Mommy, why do they have a statue of a baby in a diaper on the counter?' Oops." —Heather H., 37, St. Petersburg, FL
8. "How did the baby even get in there?"
"I was at the ob/gyn with my pregnant wife for a check-up where we got to see the baby on ultrasound. On the way out, one of our 4-year-old twins asked, 'OK, but how did the baby even get in there?' The whole waiting room burst into laughter which made him burst into tears."—Jeremy L., 38, Salt Lake City, UT
9. "You has a penis?"
"We had just had been explaining body parts, and who has what, to our son, so when we went out to dinner with my in-laws, he wanted to show off his new knowledge. He started with the waiter: 'You a boy. You has penis?' I clamped my hand over his mouth and apologized. But it was no good. He had to ask everyone at our table and everyone that came near our table 'You has penis? No? You has ba-china? I has penis!' We couldn't get out of there fast enough." —Marie H., 31, Seattle, WA
10. "Did you swallow another baby?"
"When I got pregnant with my third child, my oldest was very curious about everything related to the baby. One day at the doctor's office, she poked my bulging tummy and asked, 'Did you swallow another baby? Is that how it got in there?' The doctor was like, 'No that's not how this works.' It was then I realized the time had come for The Talk." —Angie J., 40, Murrieta, CA
11. "Why aren't you guys married yet?"
"I brought my girlfriend with me to visit my large, close-knit family. My 4-year-old niece asked my girlfriend point-blank, 'Why aren't you guys married yet?' (I'm guessing she overheard her parents discussing it, as my family was always bugging me about it.) I jokingly turned to her and said, 'You know that's not a bad idea.' Then my girlfriend surprised us both with her own question, asking my niece if she would be the flower girl at our wedding. It wasn't the most elegant proposal, but it worked!" —Neal G., 30, San Francisco, CA
12. "What stinks?"
"We were at the park when all of a sudden my two-year-old started making faces and yelling, 'Ew! What stinks? What stinks so bad? What is that icky smell?' I checked his diaper and his brother's diaper before looking around. Then I realized he was talking about the homeless man nearby." —Amy M., 29, Minneapolis, MN
13. "Can I touch them?"
"I was grocery shopping with my 4-year-old and we came across a group of little people, also shopping. She immediately jumped up, pointed, and started hollering, 'Are those real elves, mom? Why are they so short? Can I touch them?' I was so embarrassed and tried to quiet her immediately while explaining it's rude to point at people and say things about their bodies. I moved to a different aisle as fast as I could. That worked until we saw them again as we were leaving and she just had to yell after them, 'Hi little people! Hi! You're so little!' I wanted to die." —Angie J., 40, Murrieta, CA
14. "Are you going to have a baby?"
"We had just moved from Canada to South Carolina and I was meeting the neighbor across the street for the first time. She was saying where they worked, how they had a son who was about two, and so on when my 4-year-old son piped up. 'Are you going to have a baby?' he asked. I was embarrassed but she said that, yes, indeed they were expecting. She was about 3 months and slim so I never would have guessed. Maybe kids really do know things we don't!" —Rosalie D., 38, Denver, CO
15. "What's that smell?"
"My 3-year-old and I were sitting in church together and as everyone was coming in and sitting down he yells, 'What's that smell, mom? It smells like someone farted! Did you fart, mom? Mom did you FART??' Everyone around us started laughing. I did not fart, for the record.
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